20-Minute Topic: Exuberance

         This morning, I awoke fresh from the Field of Dreams. Except, no baseballs and hardly any fields. This is getting out of hand quickly. Anyway, awake did I, having dreamt that I was a halfling. And also a nurse. And also possessed of a minigun. Needless to say, I was exuberant at the cumulative prospect of living under the circumstances brought about by these three conditions. Or at least, I presume I was. It's sort of hard to tell while dreaming, to be honest. I never trust ANYONE while they're asleep. Especially not myself. Shudder...'96...Anyway, then, the unspeakable happened. I was demoted. I am still unclear whether this means I was no longer a nurse or no longer a halfling, but the result was the same. Loss of exuberance. As a side-note, does anyone know what is directly BELOW halfling on the corporate ladder? Anyway, then I woke up and wondered what in the hell was WRONG with my brain. All in all, an average Saturday night.

    For a mental condition to suffer such abrupt and immediate seizure and destruction was a traumatizing experience, let me tell you, but I think I am stronger for it. For one thing, halflings suffer like a -2 on STR checks. In case you weren't able to read or aren't able to understand...things...today's word is “exuberance”. This is another one of those words with more than one meaning that you will never ever EVER need to know. If you can't use it in a sentence already, or hear it and sort of intrinsically know what it means, don't try. It's not worth it. Plus, if you use it wrong, you will likely get laughed out of the Junior Prom ladies restroom. For the sake of the fact that I still have like 12 minutes left, I'll go ahead and elaborate on its meanings, though. First, and the one you are probably familiar with, is defined as being marked by a being full of energy and excitement. To have Ardor, fervor, vigor or zest. All of which would (and probably DO) make wonderful generically fresh-smelling bar-soap brands. Ebullience, not so much. Maybe a misguided attempt at a cheap Men's cologne? Or maybe cognac. Colognac? Faux-French any way you slice it. Preferably diagonally, though, so you can can dip it in the syrup dish. I digress, which, I think I have discovered, is basically how I choose to live my life.

     The SECOND meaning, and the one you should only pull out if you want to confuse people, relates to plants...somehow. I think it's the same but different. Like, it means the same thing, but maybe you MEAN it differently if you aim it at plants. I don't really know. Wait, nevermind. I cheated. It means that something is basically growing WITH exuberance, whatever that means. As much exuberance as a plant can display, I suppose, Seymour.

 

     I guess my point is, this word is dumb. And if you use it to describe anything but a small child on Christmas or a dog, or a small child on a dog on Christmas, you're dumb too. Me? I'm going to go work on my colognac recipe. Drink it, wear it, I don't care!

20-Minute Topic: Machination

           There is, apparently, no such thing as a happy word. Though, I guess that depends on the user AND the recipient of the acts detailed by the words we've done so far. Anyway, in keeping with relatively short-standing tradition, today's word is machination. It's also another one of those words that will perplex the average listener when used en communicacion, if you will. While, to be sure, similarities exist with pseudo-synonymous words, machination stands alone. Actually, most words do that when you think about it. English is screwed up, but I don't think we have any pairs of words that are both spelled identically, and possess the same meaning. My lexicon isn't limitless, though, so I could be wrong. At any rate, that would be savagely unnecessary. I mean, how would you KNOW?

          That kind of system would leave interpretation, and correction up to the whims of anyone who wanted to enforce it. And those who would want to enforce it are not the sort of people you would want enforcing it. The machinations of their mind, an anathema to civilized discourse. Actually, I think I'm going to start doing that anyway. That was a pretty good segue, yes? No, actually, those people aren't worthy of the word. They befoul the proud face it presents. Stinking, no good grammar Nazis. Go home. Wait. You probably ARE home...Go...to jail! Yeah! Turn yourselves in. *Ahem* Sorry about that. Anyway, I'll explain below:

           Not just any plot, intrigue, conspiracy, or skullduggery can be a machination, though. In case you were wondering before, those words, mixed together, make up the majority of the word in question's definition. The plans of the aforementioned horrid human beings (also a pretty good band name) would barely constitute a ploy. MAYBE, on a REALLY good day, they might graduate to stratagem. Nay, machination is reserved for describing the primary activity of the average Bond villain. They do it all the time. They're always machinatin', machinatin'. The difference? You may be asking, the difference is all in the execution. It takes years of practice, believe me, I should know.

          Any rube can plot. Any toady can engage in skullduggery. A machination requires sophistication. It must be sufficiently grandiose. It must be executed with the, how you say, panache. A good, hearty, disconcerting laugh is always a plus, too. To foil a plot only requires knowledge of it. A conspiracy can be unmasked as easily as making a strategic phone call. A full-blown machination, however, can only be undone via Deus Ex Machina. I guess certain Batman villains have claim to the activity as well. Although...Hmm...Does Batman count as a Deus Ex Machina within his own comic books? Eh, I think Batman counts as whatever he wants to. I'll let it slide.

          Dude...Best villain name EVER. The Machinator. He'd always be dressed in 15th century Italian garb, have a goatee, and be constantly soliloquizing on the best way to rule (the world). Yeah, there's no WAY that guy doesn't take over the world. He wins. That's it. Game over, man, game over. Good luck forestalling THAT, uncommonly handsome, rich hero with limitless technical savvy. You are out of your league...

20-Minute Topic: Mercurial

          Effervescent. Erratic. Fluctuating. Fickle. Volatile. Unstable. Flaky. What do all of these words (and more!) have in common? If you said “they are all made up entirely of letters”, you, sir, are correct. If you beat the odds and said “they are all synonyms for the word 'mercurial'”, you cheated somehow. I'm mercurial all the time. I'm not mercurial about being mercurial. Actually, I'm not mercurial. That was a lie just now. I am immutable. I am a rock, I am an island. One thing that HAS changed is that I no longer think that 'mercurial' means 'of or related to mercenaries'. Though, really, I can still see how I arrived at that conclusion. Ooh. Just thought of another good one. “Capricious”. Drop THAT one in casual conversation, and I guarantee at least two or three people won't know what you're talking about.

          I think I remember reading about this word at one point. Probably shortly after having been laughed at for using it incorrectly. It, if my mercurial memory can be trusted, comes not from shady individuals (or groups of individuals) willing to do shady things for shady money, but rather from the word “mercury”. Which, back in the Oldentimes, meant something that was subject to unpredictable change. Like, if you were to eat some, it would change you from being a “normal” “healthy” human being into someone with impaired peripheral vision, and, I imagine, a tummy ache. Or like how the planet mercury changes color when you've eaten too many mushrooms. Or like, you'd change from a “normal” “healthy” human being into a super-massive object if you ate the planet mercury. Also, I think mercury is really hot. Like, smokin' hot. Mom says mercury can give you something called “pink disease”. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Not hot. Not hot at all. If you've got something called “Pink Disease”, I'ma want you on a different continent. Maybe planet. Maybe just pack up and move to Mercury.

             Have you SEEN mercury? I mean the element, this time. I think we know why that one bad dude in Terminator 2 was so dangerous. If you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. Mercury is bad news, and so was Homeslice. The appearance...the tendency to make dead things that were alive...too much of a coincidence. No coincidence, I say. They are one and the same. He was mercurial to boot! One minute he looked like that guy from X-Files, and the next? Someone's. Mom. That is terrifying. I hear robots aren't mercurial, cognitively. You should go ask your mom if she's really a shape-shifting-liquid-metal-terminator-robot-from-the-future-in-disguise. If my theory is correct, she'll have to tell you the truth.

           Shudder...I need something take my mind off the scary. Let's see how many more synonyms I can think of. Changeable. Inconsistent. Mutable. Uncertain. Unpredictable. Haphazard. Slapdash. Uncertain again. Variable. Protean. Fluid. AAAAAHHH!!! NOT FLUID! Okay, okay I think that's it. Yep. No more are coming to me. We're done here.