20-Minute Topic: Modern

      “Ah, modernity”, he said whilst twirling his mustache, which is, I've determined, is really the only way to USE that specific conjugation of the term. If you don't have a mustache, it's just time to get out of the business. The business of being an erudite mid-century gentleman. If there is anyone who, in their heart of hearts doesn't hold that concept dear, I don't want to meet them. I guess that might need some clarification? Probably not THIS century. I think they valued glabrous skin above all back then, as I understand it. Actually, wait...this isn't the 90's anymore? Well THAT explains all these wireless telephones and bathing going on everywhere. I'm referring to mid-18^th-century. They were all about cigars, mutton chops (of multiple varieties) and of course, being considered modern. And legal cocaine. Let us never forget that.

      I'm pretty hazy (not from the cocaine this time) about what actually constitutes being modern. I mean, it's obviously characterized by a lack of outmoded attributes. But things can be post-modern, and it doesn't mean “From the future”. At my best guess, post-modernity is just something hipsters and turtle-necked college professors say while twirling their significantly more passé handlebar mustaches, when flannel or also turtle-neck wearing girls are nearby. But that still leaves gaps in my linguistic discernment. I think I'm just going to pretend that it does indeed mean “from the future” and not “self-referential and lame”. Though, I do like self-reference. I'm like my own bibliography over here. If it ain't something I've said, I want no part of it.

      I guess you could make the case for modern simply meaning “not obsolete”, which I guess is something we can all get behind. I don't know that anyone takes pride in being obsolete. At least, no one who speaks English and understands what the word means. Free of context, it is a pretty cool-sounding word. Hmm...this might make a good “scientific” “study”. I expect results by next Thursday at the latest, and don't give the that “But it's Christmas” excuse again. Good help is hard to come by in these, our modern days. HEYOOO!!!

      I think there are probably a lot of people out there who think they can break down exactly what modern actually means in a given context. Like, I know it's a genre of music, an art style etc, but I don't think any of them could break it down nearly as well as I just did. If you don't understand what I mean, maybe I should go back to talking to hipsters and various other people with Birkenstocks and Neckbeards. I'll...let YOU fill in the band name there. Me? I'm back to my very own brand of modern living, which integrally involves Tobacco and Lamb-Flesh.