Wednesday, April 30, 2014

20-Minute Topic: Calipers

           Fun fact: calipers didn't exist until March of 2006. After that, they disappeared, and no amount of searching will turn any up. Don't believe anything telling you different. If you happen to have a pair of “calipers”, WATCH OUT! They are probably a protractor or some other grammar schoolish tool in disguise. Did you know that fully 40% of everything is something else in disguise? Think about THAT. The next time you see something, there's a good chance that it isn't what it appears. Anyway, public service announcement out of the way, back to calipers. I understand that they were very useful. Though, I don't know what for. History books a bit contradictory on that topic, seeing as how they shouldn't even be IN history books.

          Wikipedia, however, never lies. It claims that a pair of calipers were used measure the distance between one side of an object and another. I take back what I said about them being useful. If you can't look at something, and see how big it is, there's something wrong with you. Unless, maybe, they had calipers with braille for blind people. Coincidentally, Braille for Blind People is the name of my one-man polka duo. It's a work in progress, but I've been told the name is in poor taste. Something about blind people having ultra-sensitive hearing.
          I'll go ahead and make an allowance for modern varieties of calipers. They are probably what they look like. Digital readouts, and 0-error and all that. Also, what's up with that? We have more varieties of these stupid things than we have kinds of modern men's underwear. Seriously, Google 'caliper', and you will be overwhelmed by options. Like underpants, they come in all shapes and sizes. There are probably a pair of calipers specifically designed to measure men's underwear. Not just one, one for each variety. It's ridiculous. I ask you: What is more important? Knowing how big something is; something that you can see, and, indeed, TOUCH, or having properly fitting underwear? What if there was some breakthrough in underwear technology that we haven't discovered, because we were too busy measuring less important things? Talk about poor prioritization...

          Sort of talked myself into a corner here, didn't I? NOPE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Brake calipers, suckas! Totally had another angle to play out there, and you didn't even see it coming. Granted, I don't actually have the slightest clue what these things DO, but I know they exist, and I'm glad my car has them. I think. I mean, I've never heard of someone cursing the presence of brake calipers. You also never hear about anyone bragging about their brake calipers. I guess it's probably possible to have too many of them...buried under a mountain of brake calipers. That would probably make ME curse them. Fewer, indeed, would be better. My guess, though, is that I would have more trouble making my car comply with my demands if they weren't present. I don't have any proof, but someone probably does. Someone with a mullet and overalls, undoubtedly.

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