20-Minute Topic: Mercurial

          Effervescent. Erratic. Fluctuating. Fickle. Volatile. Unstable. Flaky. What do all of these words (and more!) have in common? If you said “they are all made up entirely of letters”, you, sir, are correct. If you beat the odds and said “they are all synonyms for the word 'mercurial'”, you cheated somehow. I'm mercurial all the time. I'm not mercurial about being mercurial. Actually, I'm not mercurial. That was a lie just now. I am immutable. I am a rock, I am an island. One thing that HAS changed is that I no longer think that 'mercurial' means 'of or related to mercenaries'. Though, really, I can still see how I arrived at that conclusion. Ooh. Just thought of another good one. “Capricious”. Drop THAT one in casual conversation, and I guarantee at least two or three people won't know what you're talking about.

          I think I remember reading about this word at one point. Probably shortly after having been laughed at for using it incorrectly. It, if my mercurial memory can be trusted, comes not from shady individuals (or groups of individuals) willing to do shady things for shady money, but rather from the word “mercury”. Which, back in the Oldentimes, meant something that was subject to unpredictable change. Like, if you were to eat some, it would change you from being a “normal” “healthy” human being into someone with impaired peripheral vision, and, I imagine, a tummy ache. Or like how the planet mercury changes color when you've eaten too many mushrooms. Or like, you'd change from a “normal” “healthy” human being into a super-massive object if you ate the planet mercury. Also, I think mercury is really hot. Like, smokin' hot. Mom says mercury can give you something called “pink disease”. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Not hot. Not hot at all. If you've got something called “Pink Disease”, I'ma want you on a different continent. Maybe planet. Maybe just pack up and move to Mercury.

             Have you SEEN mercury? I mean the element, this time. I think we know why that one bad dude in Terminator 2 was so dangerous. If you know what I'm talking about, you know what I'm talking about. Mercury is bad news, and so was Homeslice. The appearance...the tendency to make dead things that were alive...too much of a coincidence. No coincidence, I say. They are one and the same. He was mercurial to boot! One minute he looked like that guy from X-Files, and the next? Someone's. Mom. That is terrifying. I hear robots aren't mercurial, cognitively. You should go ask your mom if she's really a shape-shifting-liquid-metal-terminator-robot-from-the-future-in-disguise. If my theory is correct, she'll have to tell you the truth.

           Shudder...I need something take my mind off the scary. Let's see how many more synonyms I can think of. Changeable. Inconsistent. Mutable. Uncertain. Unpredictable. Haphazard. Slapdash. Uncertain again. Variable. Protean. Fluid. AAAAAHHH!!! NOT FLUID! Okay, okay I think that's it. Yep. No more are coming to me. We're done here.